


The Undiscovered Timeline

by KevinMKelly



Category: Dad's Army, Doctor Who, Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who: Past Doctor Adventures - Various Authors, Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Crossover, Crossovers & Fandom Fusions, Friendship, Gen, Humor, Science Fiction
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-22
Updated: 2018-04-02
Packaged: 2018-11-03 19:39:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,699
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10974003
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KevinMKelly/pseuds/KevinMKelly
Summary: TOS on TOS action as the First Doctor arrives on the Enterprise





	1. Chapter 1

The Enterprise orbited an ocean world. The blue seas were bright and fresh on the ship's Main Screen but no one was looking at that. They were studying a Black Hole which had grown to the point of endangering the whole stellar system.

“According to information from a five year old survey," Spock said while peering into his viewer. "This star system should have six planets; one of them a Jupiter size gas giant with nine moons orbiting it and no singularity. There are now only two planets and that singularity. ”

The lights flickered off. Consoles darkened. Captain Kirk grabbed the armrests of his chair as the ship bucked and – for a moment- flew backwards- before drifting forwards again. The lights came on, and the Main Screen lit up, showing the planet below spinning serenely. 

“Mr Sulu, are we in a standard orbit?” He asked of his pilot.

“Yes, sir, standard orbit… standard M class planet… the Black Hole is practically a microdot. At this range, it should not be affecting the ship.”

“Fascinating,” Mr Spock murmured.

Kirk swivelled to his Science Officer: “Any thoughts on how that Black Hole formed and how it’s affecting my ship?”

“I do not believe it is a natural occurrence,” Spock raised one eyebrow, his way of underlining a statement. “A singularity of this size, would not normally create gravitic distortions and time dilation on this scale, this far from the event horizon. Oddly, it appears to be affecting the Library Computer, as well as other ship’s systems." He looked up as the lights flickered again. The turbolift doors opened, they heard footsteps, the doors closed; no one had entered the bridge. Spock raised the remaining eyebrow.

“The Library Computer? In what way?” Kirk asked.

Mr Spock pressed a couple of buttons and then said to the air: “Computer, describe the effects of the anomaly.”

In a metallic, female drone, the computer answered: “It has long been assumed that time is a strict progression of cause to effect, but actually from a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint - it's more like a big ball of wibbly wobbly... time-y wimey... stuff…”

“That’s….not the usual precise answer of the Library Computer.” Kirk stared at the science station. “Is it saying that we are in a non-linear area of space/time?”

Captain Kirk entered from the turbolift, stared at Captain Kirk seated in the command chair, looked up at Spock and then disappeared with a pop of inrushing air.

“That was…. I’m… taller than I thought,” Kirk said. Then he remembered it was a populated planet with an intelligent, highly industrial species. “What’s happening on the planet, lieutenant? Can they offer some explanation for these affects?

Uhura pressed the big earpiece close as she frowned in concentration. "I`m having problems reaching anyone, sir. I thought there was something wrong with the universal translator at first, but then I realised a lot of the transmissions are talking backwards.”

The ship lurched, and a blue box began to wheeze into existence between the pilot station and the Main Screen. A lamp flashed on the top, as it became solid. Spock raised both eyebrows, then spun and began deftly flipping switches and checking readouts in the science viewer. 

“Sir, this box is giving off a great deal of chronotron radiation… and scans indicate …that it may be much bigger on the inside. It has shielding, making it difficult to detect life sign readings." 

Kirk fist bumped a button on his command chair.

“Security detail to the bridge- phasers set to stun.”

Two men and two women exited the far side of the box. Kirk noted the older man had white hair and a long black coat with tails; he began lecturing like a school teacher as he examined the Main Screen.

“This would appear to be classic 22nd-century design, the first great and bountiful human empire if I'm not mistaken. Although they called themselves a Federation, at the time. We’ll slip in quietly and get the lay of the land before finding the people in charge.”

“Doctor, shouldn’t we be doing something about that Black Hole? You said it was artificial, now how can that be?” The tall man asked.

“Grandfather…” the youngest member of the group pulled the old man’s sleeve as she stared at Kirk.  
"What are you doing on board my ship?" Kirk demanded. The turbolift doors opened, and men in red shirts marched in, weapons drawn. “And… what is that box?”

“It has the appearance of an early 20th-century police telephone box. They were a form of communication before portable radios were developed,” Spock supplied. Walking over to the group with a tricorder, he ran scans.

The old man hustled over to Mr Sulu’s station and poked the control panels: “toggle switches! I love a toggle switch.”

Kirk got between the old man and the controls and pushed him back.

“Let go of me sir!” the grandfather said.

“Who are you?” Kirk demanded.

“I am The Doctor, and this is my granddaughter Susan, and here’s Barbara, and Charleston,” The Doctor pointed to each person as he made the introductions. The younger man held his hand out to Kirk, who took it and let him shake it.

“Chesterton- I’m Chesterton,” the man insisted.

"Captain Kirk of the starship Enterprise," Kirk said, returning the introductions. "Sulu, Chekov, and Uhuru," Kirk pointed out the people he named, “and my Science Officer, Spock.”

“Really?” The Doctor swung round and examined Kirk closely.

“As a child, I had the highest score on Gallifrey for the game Star Trek: The Search for Spock,” the Doctor said.

“That’s not possible, sir,” Mr Sulu said: “The Constellation class are the newest starships in the Federation, the specs are top secret, so no hologames have been developed yet.”

“Young man, a billion years ago, my people discovered time travel and brought back games from all across time and space. I hate to brag-“Chesterton snorted, but the Doctor ignored him with dignity. “But I dare say my highest score still stands.”

“Now- our mission is urgent- there is little time to waste," the Doctor strode to Uhura's communication station. "Let me show you what we're up against." It wasn't a question, but Uhura looked to the captain who nodded and she sat back a little from her control panels. The Doctor unclipped a panel and reached into the workings with his sonic ring. "Just a quick hack through their security system and you should be getting something on the Main Screen," he said. 

Kirk and Spock stepped around the TARDIS, while Mr Sulu leaned over in his chair. The screen fuzzed and cleared, showing what looked like a laboratory, with desks of controls. The large amphibians that made up this world's intelligent life appeared to be distraught.

“You there!” The Doctor announced himself, “I am a Time Lord of Gallifrey, and I demand to know what you think you are playing at?”

The amphibians froze.

"We have a right to develop our technologies, without the interference of Gallifrey," their leader declared, looking into one of the security cameras.

“But it’s all gone wrong for you, hasn’t it? You tried to build a stellar manipulator, your very own Hand of Rassilon, hmm? I’ve had some experience with the Hand of Rassilon, though and from what I’ve seen of it, yours is more a Mitten of Rassilon!” The old man laughed harshly, and the scientists started shouting and waving flippers. "Enough of this! We have only minutes to act; you will dismantle the equipment in the labs, and I will destroy the Hand from here. The Black Hole should then dissipate. If you do not comply, you know Gallifrey will intervene and intervene most strongly.”

Spock leaned into Kirk’s shoulder: “Captain, Vulcan researchers have found tales of Time Lords and Gallifrey among several of the species we have contacted, but they are commonly dismissed as a myth.”

"I most certainly am not a myth, young man," the Doctor glared, proving that he had acute hearing. "I… am a legend.”

“Then why, in hundreds of years of space exploration, have Vulcan’s never encountered Time Lords?”

"One, because we are not of this galaxy, and two, you haven't done anything interesting enough to warrant our attention. Now, captain, there is a device orbiting that Black Hole which is dangerously out of control. You will need to move your ship closer, and shoot it." 

Kirk raised a hand to the TARDIS: “doesn’t your ship have weapons?”

“Yes,” the old man tapped his head: “in here.”

“When I noticed that your ship struggled to move, I thought you might have realised that your warp drive technology was trying to warp an already warped space…It’s rather like trying to stretch a rubber sheet which is not only already stretched but has random rivers of rubber flowing through it. Yes, that’s probably fairly accurate metaphor.” He looked around at a lot of confused faces.

“So Doctor, what do we do about it?” Chesterton asked. “You seem to be saying that this ship cannot move, at the same time you are asking them to move. It does not make sense.”

“All the pilot needs is to be able to see the ebbs and flows of time, so I will feed the TARDIS sensors through his pilot station and my TARDIS will protect the Enterprise from the time effects.”

A tall man wearing a very long scarf walked out of the TARDIS. A member of the security team tried to grab him; there was a flash and the man aged and crumbled to dust.

“Oh, dear, the time aberration reacted with his red shirt and killed him,” The Doctor explained. “No one’s ever worked out why, but it’s always a red shirt that sets it off.”

Uhura walked up to her station and stared at Uhura already sitting in her chair. She reached out a hand.

"Please do not try to touch any other versions of yourself!" The Doctor warned. "You create a short circuit in time, and the results can either be shocking or deadly. Now, we'd better put an end to this." The Doctor marched into his TARDIS.

Uhura realised there was a chair next to hers, with a young woman working the controls. She was beautiful and also still Uhura, even though she did not look anything like Uhura. Uhura felt connected to this other self, this reboot.

Kirk and Spock followed the old man into his box. Kirk still wasn't convinced the old man wasn't a bit crazy. He stood just inside the door, staring at the wide, high room. Spock walked up to the console and began studying it: "fascinating. There have been several attempts at time travel on Vulcan, but nothing on this scale."

“Why is it bigger on the inside?” Kirk asked.

“Makes it easier to park,” the Doctor smirked. 

The Doctor flipped switches and pressed buttons. "There, your Mr Sulu can now scan the time streams around the Enterprise, and I've extended a force field around the ship that will stop most of the time ghosts." The Doctor turned to Kirk: "well, young man, you better close your mouth and order your people to get on with it. We don't have all day you know."

Kirk shut his mouth, walked out the narrow doors onto his bridge and couldn’t resist walking around the blue box. Then he remembered himself:

“Mr Sulu, take us within weapons range of that Black Hole, best possible speed.  
“Chesley! Drat, where is the man- Chesley?”

Spock walked out the doors, hands behind his back, looking thoughtful.

“Mr Chesterton, I believe you are wanted.”

“Oh? But I was just discussing the history of Russia with Mr Chekov.”

"I am told we don't have all day," Spock said as he returned to his science station. He watched Chesterton walk into the TARDIS and then put a tape into the system and began recording all his scans of the TARDIS and her crew. He noted that he could also get the pilot's scanner feed on his viewer, and watched the scans and information with interest. It looked like an old wooden box, but the TARDIS could scan time and space in ways even the Vulcans were not yet capable.

It's a little-known fact that while The Doctor was involved in something technical, Barbara and Victoria slipped away and stocked up on any make-up or perfume products that were available. They had bumped into Ensign Rand who had shown them where the knee high boots and mini dresses were stored and were having a happy time looking for their size.

The Enterprise engines began to strain as Sulu took her up to warp eight. Kirk stood to one side so that he could see the Main Viewer around the TARDIS, and it didn't look like they were moving.

“Sulu, report?” he asked his pilot.

"Sir, the time streams are flowing against us, it's like we're trying to swim up a waterfall. Once we get to the top though, we should-"

The Enterprise surged forward, the crew thrown around by the sudden acceleration; she plunged through the cloud of matter orbiting the Black Hole towards the small satellite hovering above it 

“Almost in range!” Sulu reported, hanging on to his console with one hand as he pressed buttons. “Firing phasers….. Now!”

The twin beams streaked from the ship then followed the warped space and curved away from the target.

“You need to account for the curve of space/time, Chekov said, like making a long putt at golf.

“Are you sure?” Sulu asked, “We’ve only time for one more shot.”  
Chekov plotted a course on his console and pressed the button that brought it up on Sulu’s viewer. “Aim along this line in three… two… one!”

Sulu pressed the buttons, the phasers curved away to port.

"It missed," Chesterton said, his stomach dropped towards his shoes, as the Enterprise continued to dive into the Black Hole.

The phasers curved back around, caught in the gravity of the Black Hole and struck the copy of the Hand of Rassilon. As the Enterprise streaked away, it blew up, releasing the Black Hole. Without the artificial pressure, the matter making up the Hole blew apart, spreading hydrogen gas all around the ship.

The crew picked themselves up as Sulu throttled back the engines and brought the Enterprise around.

“Bring us back to the area of the Black Hole, and all stop,” Kirk ordered as he took his seat. “I want to be certain that satellite is gone.”

The Doctor left the TARDIS and looked around with a smug expression.

"Well, that’s all sorted out, we'll just pop down to those laboratories and make sure they've dismantled that equipment," he said to Chesterton. Chesterton looked forward to it- usually, he had more to do.

The turbolift doors opened, and Barbara and Susan walked in. They were wearing matching blue mini dresses, black tights, and shiny boots. Chesterton couldn't help staring. 

“Barbara- what are you wearing?” 

"I'm trying a change of style," she said as she walked past and into the TARDIS. Chesterton followed.

“No granddaughter of mine is going out dressed like that!”

“Grandfather, I’m 67 years old, I think it’s time I started making my own choices,” Susan announced as she walked into the TARDIS.

Kirk held his breath as the blue box wheezed and faded out of reality.

“Well Mr Spock, do you still think Time Lords are myths?”

“No, captain, although if I were prone to emotions, I would find his unconscious assumption of superiority rather irritating."

“Of course you would Mr Spock, after all, that’s your job.” Kirk grinned, managing to get the last word.


	2. In this Episode

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last week, stuff happened, this episode, some other stuff happens

This Week’s Episode,  
In Last Week’s Episode

Narrator: “In last week’s episode, the Enterprise was trapped by a time travel experiment that warped space around the ship.

“Mr Sulu, are we in a standard orbit?” Kirk asked of his pilot. 

Narrator: “But were they in a standard orbit?”

“Yes, sir, standard orbit… standard M class planet.”

Narrator: “They were in a standard orbit, but the Black Hole pulling in the ship was anything but standard.”

“I do not believe it is a natural occurrence,” Spock raised one eyebrow.

Narrator: “Our trusty crew were assisted out of the predicament by a grouchy old time traveller calling himself “The Doctor.” Kirk and Spock called him The Doctor, too. He claimed to be a Timelord, but was he?”

“Captain, Vulcan researchers have found tales of Time Lords and Gallifrey among several of the species we have contacted, but they are commonly dismissed as a myth.”

Narrator: “Was The Doctor a myth? Will we have to wait 12 regenerations to find out?”

"I most certainly am not a myth, young man," the Doctor glared, proving that he had acute hearing. "I… am a legend.”

Narrator: “Captain Kirk had questions of his own, when he entered The Doctor’s time capsule.”

“Why is it bigger on the inside?”

Narrator: “This and many other questions answered in last week’s episode.”

 

Narrator: “Coming up in this week’s episode, Kirk meets a new young ensign.”

“Would you like coffee, captain,” the young ensign asked. “Hot….coffee?”

Narrator: “Would the captain like coffee? Would it be hot?

“Never in front of the Vulcan, ensign,” Kirk said with a twinkle in his eye.

“Oh, don’t Vulcan’s like hot…. Coffee?”

“We do ensign, but I have to wait another five years, eleven months, three days and fourteen hours before I can enjoy hot…. Coffee.”

“You’re counting the hours Spock?”

Narrator: “Was Spock counting the hours to his next hot…. Coffee?”

“Damn right I am, Jim.”

Narrator: “In this week’s episode, Kirk was offered hot…. Coffee by a new young ensign. Will he get coffee and will it be hot…. Tune in next week to find out, or five years, eleven months, three days and fourteen hours if you’re tuning in from Vulcan.

Narrator: “In next week’s episode, a Federation Governor declares war on the elderly residents of Walmington a small moon.

“You can’t just declare war on a Moon filled with elderly men,” Kirk exclaimed.

“Yes I can- I’m the Governor of this system and they are refusing to obey Federation directives,” the Governor said. “And I’m ordering you to come to this system and execute my orders.”

Narrator: “What kind of Governor would declare war on a moon full of elderly people?

“Sir,” Sulu said, “I’ve heard pilots who’ve been to that system call it the Brittas Empire. They say he has a shaky grasp on sanity.”

“The population are exclusively male, all have military records and most are over a century in age,” Spock said.

“So you’re saying they won’t last long in a fight?” Kirk asked.

“No sir,” Spock said, putting a series of military records up on the main viewer. “I am pointing out that these men have fought the Klingons, the Romulans, the Andorans and everyone in between. They are very good at surviving war.”

“Okay, the plan is we keep them at arm’s length and talk them down.”

Narrator: “Will Kirk’s plan work?”

“Och Captain, the Walmington Home Guard have taken the Engine Room.”

“We didn’t start this,” Captain Mainwaring said. “You are the bad guys in all this.”

Narrator: “Are the Enterprise crew the bad guys?”

“We’re all doomed! Doomed Ah tell ye!”

Narrator: “Are they all doomed, tune in next week, same space time, same space channel.”


	3. Chapter 3: The Shirley Warrrior

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A new alien crew member causes problems and Governor Brittas sparks a civil war in the Federation

Chapter 3  
The Shirley Warrior

Kirk took his morning coffee and report before looking up at the new Yeoman. Her eyes were large and blue, her hair shoulder length and blonde. He smiled and thanked her for the coffee; she smiled back. Kirk’s grin broadened and added a glint to his eye. He still had it.

Kirk couldn’t help himself, he glanced at the full, heaving bosom. This is going to be torture, but I must maintain a professional relationship.

Spock leapt between the two with hands up.

“The captain meant nothing by it, Yeoman Crissy- stand down.”

“But he was staring at my lactating glands- a challenge to fight to the death,” Crissy declared.

“But not in the captain’s culture. Please remember, he is not a Shirley Warrior, and is ignorant of your cultural norms.”

“A Shirley Warrior, Mr Spock? Is that a new ship?” Kirk asked as he took a sip of his coffee. He hoped caffeine might help him work out what was going on here.

“No sir,” Spock supplied. “The Shirlians recently joined the Federation. They are a humanoid species, except the males possess lactating glands and long blonde hair and raise the infants in a stomach pouch.”

Kirk spat coffee

“Spock old friend,” Kirk said as he grabbed Spock’s arm and dragged him over to the science station and out of Ensign Crissy's hearing. “Are you trying to tell me that fine figure of womanhood is in fact0- “  
“Male. Yes sir. I should point out there are only three humanoid species who could tear a Vulcan in half, and the Shirlians are one of them.”

“Tear… a Vulcan… in half?” Kirk rubbed his jaw. He’d been on the end of a Vulcan fist and found it hard to believe there were many who could overpower Spock. “But she barely comes up to my chin?”

“He,” Spock corrected, “comes from a planet with a gravity ten times that of Earth, it has resulted in a powerful skeletal and muscular system. I should also point out that their grim visage looks like a smile to us and laughter means he is enraged and about to attack.”

“And the kitten heels?”

“Traditional warrior garb on Shirley.”

Kirk face palmed. “I know my men- there’s going to be trouble.”

“Highly probable.” Spock had been an interested observer of human mating rituals over many years.

“What genius from HQ sent her-him here to be my yeoman?”

“Commodore Higgs.”

“Any relation to Julia Higgs?” Kirk asked.

“Her husband.”

“Ah.”

“I believe he may have found out about that Christmas party.”

“I believe you may be right.”

“Sir,” Uhura called, “urgent message from Mr Brittas, the Governor of Pratsis 5.”

“Put him on screen, Lieutenant Uhura,” Kirk ordered, returning to the centre seat.

The man on screen had large, round nostrils it’s like looking down the barrel of a shotgun. The nasal whine of his voice was immediately irritating.

“Capt-ayn,” the man pronounced. “I’ve declared war on the third moon of Patsis 5 and the Enterprise is our nearest warship.”

“What?” Kirk gaped. “We’re Starfleet, we do not wage war on Federation citizens.”

“You do now, laddie,” the governor grinned. “Twenty-five years ago, my father put that moon in quarantine when an alien virus killed off all the women. We don’t want an alien virus killing our women. Perfectly legal under Federation directive 223939 section b.”

“Federation directive 223939 section b, bans the placing of red shirts into the wash with gold or blue shirts,” Spock corrected from memory.

“Well, you can’t expect me to remember the correct directive of the top of my head,” Governor Brittas said.

“I believe you are referring to directive 223839 sections a through f deal with quarantining areas when no cure for a disease can be found, for periods up to one hundred years.”

“That’s the one,” Brittas grinned. “Knew it was in there somewhere.”

“Men have been trapped on that moon for twenty-five years without women?” Kirk boggled.

“By order of the Federation governor, yes. “

Sulu cut the audio feed. “Sir, I’ve heard pilots talk about Pratsis 5- they call it the Brittas Empire. Governor’s mad as a brush, apparently.”

Sulu turned the audio back up.

“- ostages and are demanding to leave Walmington. I need you to blast your way in there and free our people. Kill the old smeggers if you have to.”

“Pardon- did you say `hostages?”

“That’s right, laddie. Weren’t you listening to what I just said? The population of the third moon call it Walmington. They’ve formed a militia calling themselves the Home Guard and took the Inspection Team hostage. Luckily, the Inspection Team’s shuttle isn’t large enough to carry the whole population. So I’ve declared war on them.”

“Home Guard,” Spock murmured as he walked to his station and activated the Library Computer.

“So now it’s up to you to get in there and win,” the governor grinned out of the view screen. Mad as a brush is about right.  
“I can only repeat, governor- Starfleet does not wage war on Federation citizens. But we do police them. We will be in the orbit of Pratsis as soon as possible. Chekhov, plot a course, best speed to Pratsis 5. We need to stop this nonsense before someone gets hurt.” Kirk raised his eyes to the Main Viewer. “Governor, do not do anything rash before we get there.”

Uhuru cut the link and the Main Viewer returned to the star field.

“Sir, I believe we have a problem,” Spock said. The main viewer shimmered to show a group of six hugely muscled men, shirts opened revealing hairy chests and pronounced abs, standing in a group with their weapons. “This is the Home Guard. They were a specialist group formed by Captain Mainwaring, during the siege of Sestus 12. Six men held off a force of two thousand Andorans until they were relieved by a force of Federation troops. They went on to fight the Romulans, the Klingons and the Obsidian order, across a period of eighty years.”

“Eighty years?”

“Yes sir. They were known for ruthlessness and guile until thirty years ago when the Home Guard retired to the third moon of Pratsis 5 and renamed it Walmington by the Sea.”

“So you’re saying we should go easy on these very old and honoured soldiers?” Kirk hazarded.

“No sir, I’m pointing out that they battled the most dangerous species in this sector many times, and if we charge in there with a force of security men, we are likely, to use a colloquialism, to get our butts handed to us.”

Kirk stared at the huge man with the black moustache. Captain Mainwaring: legendary soldier. But surely the man will have slowed down after a hundred years or so?

The first thud had Kirk spin in his chair to face the turbolift. The doors had bulged. The second thud burst the doors out of the frame and then a red shirted body was hurled the width of the bridge. Crissy was framed in the light of the turbolift, blowing blond hair out of his eyes.

“That woman lay hands on me,” he declared defensively.

“That woman is a man, yeoman,” Spock corrected.

“Hashtag He’sagroper,” Uhuru said. She mimed wandering hands.

“Why would a male touch my chest?” Crissy demanded. Kirk opened his mouth. Uhuru grinned. Kirk closed his mouth. There were some questions he did not want to get into. 

“Someone get that man down to Bones. Yeoman, stand there, right there. Do not move,” he ordered, pointing to an area of deck three feet from his command chair, and out of reach of everyone on the bridge.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The dredd Home Guard have found away to escape their moon colony. Kirk plans to greet the old soldiers with full honours, but what do they plan?

Chapter 4: The Home Guard

 

Enterprise entered the star system of Pratsis without incident and dropped to Impulse Drive.

“Lieutenant, hail Walmington, get me someone I can talk sense to,” Kirk ordered. Pratsis cannot be allowed to start a civil war inside the Federation.

“No response, captain.” Uhuru reported after several minutes of trying. “Governor Brittas is hailing, though.”

Kirk sighed: “put him on main viewer.”

“Finally got here,” the man began. “Better late than never, I suppose.”

Kirk was stung by a slight on his ship.

“The Enterprise maintained warp six all the way here, only a Constellation class starship can do that.”

“Whatever,” Brittas replied. “You took so long, I sent some of our security men up there to get the hostages back, and those idiots got themselves taken hostage as well. You should go straight in with photon torpedoes and blast the colonists off that lump of rock.”

“Use of photon torpedoes would also kill the hostages, governor,” Spock pointed out.

“This is war laddie, the losses would be within acceptable limits.”

Kirk held up a hand: “we are not going to blast Federation citizens, governor. I intend to find someone in authority I can talk to and get this thing straightened out- without violence.”

Brittas snorted. Two huge nostrils expanded to take up the screen.

“There’s only two kinds from Iowa, Kirk- steers and queers. Which are you boy?”

“I am a starship captain and will not be spoken to like that by you,” Kirk said, and made a throat cut gesture to Uhuru, who cut the feed.

“If that’s what they’ve been dealing with, no wonder the Home Guard are fighting mad,” Kirk said as he dropped into his chair.

“They may have another reason to be fighting mad, Jim,” Doctor McCoy said as he left the turbolift. “I had the Pratsis medical authorities send me everything they had on that alien virus.”

 

“What happened to the doors?” Bones asked as he fiddled with his tablet.

“We had a culture clash on the bridge,” Kirk answered. 

“Oh?”

“What were the medical findings doctor?” Kirk repeated, getting Bones back on topic. Bones leaned in to show the captain scans and diagrams.

“Their medical staff are idiots, that’s what I found,” Bones said gruffly. “This is an engineered virus designed to attack people with a double X chromosome.”

“Women,” Kirk said.

“Mostly, yes. This method of cutting the DNA string and see the joints highlighted here…. And here,” Bones pointed out places on the scan. “This is Romulan technology. This thing was a weapon designed to kill the wives and daughters of the colonists on that one moon.”

“Terrible, but how do you know it was designed only to kill women on Walmington?”

“Because this part of the DNA code is a kill switch,” Bones pointed to a lot of paired letters, Kirk didn’t pretend to understand. “After about six months, there was no active virus in any of the subjects in the colony.”

“Then why have they been in quarantine for the last 25 years?” Kirk asked.

“Search me, although I found a note from the chief medical officer, he doesn’t believe the governor has been reading the medical reports.”

“So how does that make the medical people idiots?” Kirk asked, returning to Bone’s opening comment.

“Because they’ve allowed this situation to go on for 25 years,” Bones said. “I'd’ve been up to that man’s office and made him hear the news that those people are safe.”

“That’s true,” Kirk agreed. In another man, it might have sounded like bluster, but Kirk knew his friend too well.

“Uhuru, get me someone on that moon,” Kirk ordered. “Anyone. They need to know we know there’s no point in the quarantine.”

“Say, you’re the Shirley Warrior?” Bones said to the yeoman standing at attention exactly three feet from Kirk’s chair.

“Yes sir,” Crissy replied. Bones reached over and rubbed both hands in the long blond locks.

“Ababababa,” he said. “There’s ababababa.”  
“Bones!” Kirk called in alarm and moved to drag his old friend from danger.

“It’s okay, Jim, I spent three months on Shirley a-while back. This is the formal greeting between equals.”

“I am honoured, doctor,” Crissy replied. “For you are remembered among the warriors of Shirley.”

Kirk gave a sigh of relief.

“You seem to know how to handle her- him, do you need a yeoman in Sickbay?”

“I can always use another pair of hands,” Bones replied. “With four hundred adventurous people on this ship, there’s always someone getting hurt.”

 

Chekhov announced:  
“Sir, scanners picking up a ship on an intercept course. Small… probably a shuttle… Six life signs.”

“Looks like the Home Guard are coming to us,” Kirk said. “Prepare quarters, we’ll treat them as honoured guests. I want them piped aboard with full honours.”

Chekhov looked from the captain to Mr Spock, the young man worried.

Crissy laughed. His laugh had honey hues and made Kirk feel uncomfortable in the trouser area.

“The Home Guard come for us- this will be a glorious battle,” he said.

“This is no laughing matter, Yeoman. Starfleet does not attack members of the Federation, no matter what Governor Brittas may decree,” Kirk admonished.

“That is not laughter, captain. That is the Shirlean battle cry,” Spock reminded him.  
“The battle will be glorious and they will write songs of the end we make,” Yeoman Crissy said.

“No one is making an end here today, Yeoman. Uhuru, open hailing frequencies.”

“Hailing frequencies open, captain.”

“I’ve heard of these men, I’ll go prepare Sickbay for casualties,” Bones said and left the bridge.

Kirk glanced around to see that Uhuru’s large, dark eyes were brimming with tears although her mouth was set firm.

“Not you too, lieutenant? No one is dying here today.”

“Yes, sir,” Uhuru responded. “I mean, no sir. I think.”

“How would you handle this, lieutenant?”

“We could ignore it and hope they go away?”

“Pretend nothing has happened and hope it works out alright in the morning?”

“Yes sir.”

“That didn’t work the last time, though. I’ll try talking some sense into these people.”

“Yes sir,” Uhuru said. “Little Jim likes his new school, by the way.”

“That’s…. good lieutenant.”

“Aye? Whit dae ye want?” a voice came through the speakers.

“Hello? Is that an Irish accent?” Kirk asked, trying to get on friendly terms.

“Naw, Big Man, it’s no`.”

“Am I talking to Captain Mainwaring?”

“Naw, son, they call me…. The Undertaker.”

“Oh, waily waily,” Crissy cried. “The Undertaker- the Thrice Dead- walks among us. We’re all doomed.”

“Knock it off Doll- that’s my line,” the voice said.

Kirk walked over to Spock’s science station. “You said the Shirley were fearless warriors?”

“After First Contact, the Shirley attacked the Federation, devastating several colonies. The Home Guard were sent to pacify their home world- they appear to have left an impression.”

The interior of a shuttlecraft appeared on main viewer and Kirk thought the man in the navigator position looked down on them sadly.

“They’re all so very young,” he said. He had a long, wrinkly face and a mop of light grey hair.

“So whit?” The pilot asked. “We were young once.”

A man stood and glared into the tv pickup. He was almost as broad as he was tall and his bald head shone in the lights from the shuttle as if he had polished it. His moustache was white and trimmed down to a stubble. His eye glasses were as thick as dustbin lids.

“I’m Captain Mainwaring,” he said. 

“How sad,” Kirk said. “You got old.” 

“Who’s he calling old? I’m not old,” an old fellow at the back shouted. His hair and moustache were white, and he waved around an archaic looking phaser rifle with a spike attachment. “I’ll show you if I’m old or not! They don’t like it up ‘um.” 

“The Butcher,” Crissy whispered hoarsely. “Where the Butcher walks, none may stand.”

“What does that even mean?” Kirk demanded, before he turned to face the main viewer. “We are here to put a stop to this civil war nonsense. My Chief Medical Officer has reported that the virus has gone. Once the governor reads the report, we’ll be able to sort all this out and get you released from quarantine.”

“Oh, we’re gonnae hae words wi’ the governor,” the pilot stated. “He’s doomed. Doomed I tell ye.”

“They’re all so young, Captain Mainwaring,” the navigator repeated. “Look, their navigator hasn’t even started to shave.”

“I have,” Chekhov declared. “I shave every second month. Captain, tell them I am not so young.”

“I know you vetoed my suggestion, but they’re so young and Starfleet officers. Won’t you reconsider, just this once?” The navigator asked.

“Well,” Mainwaring coughed and looked uncomfortable. “Well… It’s just…. Look, we’ve never done that before. Oh, very well, take care of it Wilson.”

Kirk felt a lurch in his stomach. In all those decades of fighting, the one thing they’ve never done-

“You’re going to surrender,” he stated in a flat tone. There was a moment of shocked silence.

“I beg you’re pardon?” Sergeant Wilson asked, a look of confusion on his mild face.

“The one thing you’ve never done in all your decades of fighting- surrender without fighting,” Kirk said. “Right?”

“Us surrender?” Captain Mainwaring spluttered. “I’ve never heard such arrant nonsense.”

“No, no, my idea was to give you the chance to surrender” Wilson explained. 

“What? You expect the Enterprise to surrender?” Kirk spluttered.

“To save bloodshed and so on,” Sergeant Wilson said.

“What the?“ Kirk stopped his mouth moving and engaged brain before starting over. “The Enterprise is a Heavy Cruiser with a crew of four hundred- “

“So young,” Wilson reminded him. “So very young.”

“Of the most able officers in Starfleet, and you think we should surrender to six old men?”

“Keptain, shuttlecraft at eight thousand metres and closing, could be a collision course,” Chekhov said.

“Shields up,” Kirk ordered, then pressed a button on his command chair. “Transporter Room, lock onto that shuttle and beam the contents directly to the bridge.”

“But keptain we haven’t invented side-to-side transport yet,” Chekhov pointed out.

“Sorry captain, they’re too fast and too close to get a lock,” the Transporter Chief replied.

“Five thousand metres and closing,” Chekhov said.

“Tractor beam!” Kirk ordered.

“Too late,” Sulu said, looking up from his scanner at the main viewer.

“Zero metres!” Chekhov cried, grabbing his console with both hands.

Kirk braced in his chair. Silence. He breathed out, and an explosion shook the ship and took out the lights. 

“That was… odd,” Spock said as he picked himself up and went to work at his science station.

“Captain, the shuttle did not collide with the ship.”

“Then why did it explode?” Kirk asked.

“Unknown,” Spock admitted. “However, it flew under the saucer section and exploded between the warp nacelles, unbalancing the warp field and shutting down our warp drive.”

“They committed suicide to shut down our warp drive?” Kirk asked. “But Scott will have the engines back up in minutes.”

The lights came on and a glance at helm and navigation proved to Kirk that he was right, and engines were running.

“Ah….” Spock said as he looked down his viewer. “Interesting.”

“Spock, just tell me.”

“Those old mining shuttles were equipped with transporters.”

“But our shields were up, Mr Spock,” Sulu blurted, just as Chekhov was opening his mouth to make that point.

“Fascinating,” Spock said, as he continued to look down his viewer.

“Spock, you’re building your part again,” Kirk said.

“Apologies captain, but in examining the course the shuttle took, I have found that there is a two metre by six metre area, where the Engineering Section body meets the support for the Saucer section, which is not covered by shields.”

Kirk hurried over and examined the schematic on Spock’s viewer. A tiny area at the base of the Enterprise’s neck was highlighted.

“It’s never been a problem, because Engineering section and the warp nacelles would protect it from incoming ordinance, but the Home Guard could have beamed through there and boarded the ship.” Spock cocked an eyebrow.

“Sir, we’ve changed course,” Chekhov said. “Heading now Pratsis 5 at half Impulse Power.”

“Sulu?” Kirk asked his helmsman.

“It wasn’t me, captain,” Sulu replied, as he pressed buttons. 

“Get us back on course, man,” Kirk ordered as he walked over and stood at his helmsman’s shoulder. He read the instrumentation for himself. 

“The ship is not answering helm, sir,” Sulu reported. “I’m not in control.”

“Jim,” Spock said. “The Auxiliary Control room is only a short walk from where the Home Guard boarded the ship.”

Kirk dropped into his command chair and flipped a switch: “Auxiliary Control Room, this is the captain, what’s going on down there?”

“Well, what d’ye think’s going on,” a now familiar Scottish voice replied. “You’re all doomed!”

Kirk spun his chair to face Crissy: “I don’t want to hear one word out of you.” He pressed a button. “Security to Auxiliary Control Room.” Despite himself, he found himself adding: “All security to Auxiliary Control Room.”


End file.
